I am home

All my life I searched
Looked for a place to belong
Longed for a place I could call home
A place for all my fears to be put to rest
A place I hold in my heart as dearest

Week after week
When everything seemed oh so bleak
I am finally home
I am home to sunshine and kisses
Every moment  precious

I have finally come home
To the warmth of love
The burning embers of passion
Bathed in peace and calm
Love and joy fill me up

The longing to come home
Is long gone
For I know I am home
When I am in your arms
When you hold me tight it feels like I am home

Letting go...

I love you
I never got over you
I do not know how to tell you
Now with you on your way
My heart will wither away
Not seeing you everyday
Will we or not be ever
Is what I wonder
This is not my question to answer
But yours to ponder
Letting go of you will be the toughest ever.

Forgotten

What would it be like to be forgotten?

No one to remember the sound of my laughter,

No one to see the sunlight in my eyes glitter,

No one to watch me in the moonlight shimmer

What would it be like to be forgotten?
A faint memory I will be,
A past that no one will see,
A future that will never be,

What would it be like to be forgotten?
A battle that I fight day after day
To leave my mark in this world someway
I refuse to be forgotten!

Wishes

How I wish I would get everything I want,

only if I had a fairy to make my wish grant.

Dresses and shoes galore it would be,

so many so that the floor of my room I could barely see.

Would he also grant me a carriage pretty,

So I might meet my charming prince witty.

To waltz we sway and dance, 

locking eyes and giving in to the hesitant romance.

Luscious were his lips, blue were his eyes and deep was his voice,

so close, we had to kiss but no choice

Then I woke up to my alarm ring,

to find my prince, dress and my shoes missing.

It is not the sorrow of the prince being gone,

it is much the tears for the lost shoes and dresses that I had forgone.

It gets easier....

As the clock on your life ticks every problem that you encounter seems to get easier to handle, don't ask me how, but it does, at least it did for me.

May be I stopped caring about what the world thinks of what I do and me. I stopped letting people baby me and telling me what is the best possible way to do something. Do not get me wrong I still seek out advice to this day but then at the end, any decision I make is all me.

I have had a fair share of decisions made for me while growing up (may be a factor of being the youngest in a typical tam-bram household), most of them worked for me in my favor, but the ones that didn't, blew up in all our faces. Now who do I blame for this? Who takes responsibility for it? Me or the others who made the decision for me? I have somehow made peace with those blown up decisions but the others who made those decisions still, to day beat themselves up for it.  No matter how much I try to placate them, they continue to hold themselves responsible for it. How fair is that to me (I might sound selfish with that statement but give it a thought, their chastising themselves, weighs heavily on me)

Taking responsibility for your decisions is one half , the other half is being able to forgive yourself when things do not go as you wished/hoped for. It can be a quick spiral down if you do not learn to do that. It doesn't come easy. Forgiving oneself is much harder than forgiving another person for making a wrong decision. Maybe, it is just me, that tine voice pipes up every now and then- "You messed up, you should have known better, have you not learnt anything?" It can be quite chaotic and frustrating till you come to peace with yourself. I realized the easiest way to do it way to tell myself, what I learnt from the mistake (it is invariably a new mistake I make, what is life without some variety eh?).
This is why I feel, it gets better, it gets easier as long as you are the only one you are hoping to please because you really do not need to justify what you do to yourself. Just figure out your way of apologizing to yourself when you mess up. Also, as human beings we are all selfish enough to look out for our best interests.Who better to look out for yourself than you?

Thank you!

This is the first time I am writing something that is not a poem! Also all the people in writing shall be anonymous to everyone else but to me and the corresponding people (you will know who you are when you read)


Just when I thought it is going to be another usual Friday evening, some friends, some music and some beer. Life has a way of spinning you a full 360 degrees and introspect yourself. I came home after laughing much, about everything. Talking about snakes, reptiles, bugs, dogs and everything that moves and walks (including other humans!!) I read this blog that my friend writes and asked myself, when will I ever write something like that? Something happy, cheerful and nice, opposed to my dark and morbid thoughts that I always pen down.
As random as my head is (just after what the blog is named after) I somehow ended up thinking about if I thank people enough? We thank strangers for the smallest things, for bringing us a glass of water, for bring us spoons and what not.  Do we ever thank the ones that are close to us? Those people who walked into your life and stayed, those that walked into your life and left? I know I do not!
The fickle nature of life is such that tomorrow I might not have chance to do that, it worries me and makes me wonder have I told them if I love them enough?  No, I haven't!
I am a human being who lets petty emotions get in the way of being grateful. My principles, my anger, my jealousy, my possessiveness and sometimes even my love for that person. I am a bad person because my anger does not let me call and ask them to meet up. I am a bad person because my jealousy will not let me tell them how amazing they are and how much joy they bring to my life. I am bad person because my principles get in the way of thanking them for being in my life and teaching me to loosen up and have fun. I am bad person because I love them and I can't thank them for all they have done and helped me with. Yet, I thank every random stranger for the slightest act of their kindness.
I want to pick the phone and tell them that I am forever indebted your presence in my life, for everything you have done for me and keep doing for me. For everything that I have learnt by your presence. For everything that I learnt in and by your absence. And, for just loving me for who I am. Thank you!

Day after day

Going through the same motions

 day after day

I sit and ponder

What is in store for the next day

Hope rises,

Joy swells

Smile teases.

All I have left are

the dark clouds and the lonely abode

The dark solitude makes me smile

I would, for the lonely abode go an extra mile

Hope crashes

Joy dies

And, I smile

day after day

This is my life all the way.